Daughter.

When you're estranged from not one, but basically both parents, the heaviness of that can still be palpable.

Most days, most weeks, and months even, it's fine. I've learned to navigate questions like, "Where do your parents live?" or the weird feeling in my gut when someone says, "Oh, my mom sent me this from this favorite place of mine." I've learned how to adjust to Mother's and Father's Days by staying off of social media and doing something that makes me happy like getting out into nature. Some of these times are better than others.

Here's the thing: whether or not the choice to go no contact with the two people who were supposed to show you all the basis of love was good or not, is incredibly difficult.

Because social media is what it is, yesterday was apparently "International Daughters Day". It didn't bother me so much yesterday, but this morning wasn't off to a great start and for some reason, I felt agitated. I did the super-intelligent thing of jumping on social media to see post after post of people posting about their incredible daughters. And then I realized what was going on: I'm sad. 

It isn't because I need someone to publicly post about me on social media so the world knows how much I'm loved. When I'm sad on Mother's Day it isn't because I really want to spend a bunch of money on flowers or some dumb shit for the woman who gave birth to me.

No.

It's because on days like this when I see it all around me, it reminds me of that void. Of what's missing. And while going no contact with both parents is the best possible decision for my mental health and well-being, it doesn't make it easier when I see what I SHOULD have. I want to be loved in the quiet moments. In the day-to-day. I sometimes miss being able to call someone to share my accomplishments or ask for advice.

If you're reading this and have no idea why I'd be complaining when I could just, you know, pick up the phone, then lucky you: you clearly haven't had this struggle and that's great! I don't want you to NOT post about your daughters or sons or moms or dads. Just try to have a little sympathy for a person and situation you can't possibly understand. Be grateful for that and reserve your judgment.

My situation is my choice. And I'm truly OK with that most of the time, however, it will never be easy and there will be days that tiny things, like "International Daughters Day", will hurt.