The Lucky Ones

I've written this post a half dozen times....struggling with what to say and often feeling defensive or embarrassed. Wondering about the judgement I'd receive for being so open and honest. Not wanting to hurt the feelings of those of you who have been so ingrained in my marriage and divorce.

And then I reminded myself that I'm not me unless I'm being painfully open and honest. This is MY story and this part is one of my unexpected favorites.

Some of you may recognize this guy. He was a big part of my life for a long time. He's that guy I've mentioned from time to time....the one I was married to.

A few weeks ago, he was in Colorado visiting family and we spent some time together. It was the first time in over a year that we'd seen each other. Meeting him for dinner felt like a really awkward first date, but with someone I had known for years. Those feelings sure were a mixed bag!

I consider he and I some of the lucky ones. We're the ones who can sit at dinner and catch up like old friends. The ones that can complain about what it is to date now and how different it was when WE dated. We're the lucky ones who somehow got out of our marriage without hating each other.

The, "not hating my ex husband" part of things really threw me for a loop. I'd grown up KNOWING you were supposed to hate that person. Imagine my shock and utter heartbreak when that was most definitely not the case. That was one of the worst parts for me....knowing it was over, but I still loved the guy. Was our divorce easy, simple and enjoyable? 

F**K.
NO!

But there was still a mutual love and respect for each other that I really believe led us to dinner in Colorado last month. I assumed that the last time I saw him would be, well, the last time I'd see him most likely. That the day I moved out was it. It was over.

I feel so fortunate that we have had the chance not only to catch up, but get some closure. I never in a million years would have thought that almost 2 years after we were no longer Mr. & Mrs. we'd be sharing a bottle of wine over dinner a few miles from my new apartment.

I can't begin to express how wonderful it feels to say and hear, "I'm sorry for my part in why we failed." It has been incredibly healing. It has made moving on feel a lot less shitty, too. Because that's what we're doing: moving on. We will continue to move forward as separate people who once shared a home and a couple of dogs and a life together. We're moving forward knowing that it sucks for things not to work out, but it doesn't have to all be bad.

Yup, we're the lucky ones.