Skip to main content

Memories of This Day


I don't think divorce is talked about enough...not in a way that promotes healing and moving on at least. Sure, there are those endless "How To" lists, but let's get real: they aren't worth shit. Divorce is intensely personal and every situation is unique. My divorce is no different. I feel a need to let some of what I'm feeling out and, honestly, I'm a little scared to do it. I don't want to dwell and I don't want pity...I just want to put it out there.

As with everything else I've done in the last year, I'm just gonna go for it. If you're offended by my openness or need to express an opinion, I invite you to leave right now 'cause I have exactly ZERO time for that shit. So here we go...

4 years ago today was one of the best days of my life. It was the day I got married. 

Today, as I write this, I'm sad. And I'm trying to give myself permission to be sad as I think back on where I was 4 years ago. 

I was so determined not to let 11-4-2012 pass me by in a blur. I remember waking up on this day knowing I'd walk down the aisle to the man I would promise my life to and I was so hopeful. I remember taking the time to breathe, to look around the room at the people I loved who were gathered to celebrate my marriage and enjoy the little moments. 

And I did. 
I loved that day. 
And I loved that man. 

Today, those memories...those little, precious moments are still there. They're snippets in time that make me smile while simultaneously breaking my heart into a million pieces. Today, I'm embracing the beauty and the suck of those moments.

Divorce isn't pretty for anyone. I've learned it's much like a death in that I lost someone I loved and it's important to mourn that. One of the biggest and most difficult lessons I've learned is that it's important not to forget the good moments. I'm still learning to give myself permission to accept that there was so much good in my wedding day, my marriage and my relationship. While it didn't work out, I'm allowed to miss those things and him without wanting to run back. 

I will move forward and I will move on, but for right now...I just want to be still. Today I will look back on every moment I took in on this beautiful fall day in 2012 with a bittersweet fondness. Today, I let the tears flow and give myself permission to just FEEL.

Comments

  1. It's very important to heal. We all have to be allowed our own time to do that and to not feel bad about it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This day changed my life forever too. I often look back at this day as mega fork in my life's road.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Questions? Comments? Share away!

Buzz kill? Keep on moving!

Popular posts from this blog

Patsy.

A friend sent this video to me and when I watched it, I was struck more by the feelings it brought up around the content than the story itself.  Christen Reighter's story is an interesting and frustrating insight into what it means to NOT want a child. I invite you to watch this. Her experience is not unique and needs to be talked about. Even if you have kids. Or want them. What struck me most was what she says during her TedTalk: "I have believed having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition." Truth is, I've been struggling with this lately. Not the fact that I'm longing for children. I'd be fibbing if I said there is a very tiny part of me that wonders what this will feel like when I get to the end of life. HOWEVER. That feeling isn't strong enough for me to want to find out. I don't feel like having children should be thought of as a "keeping the fingers crossed" kind of situation. If you aren't sure you'l

Experimental.

I have a little secret. Today marks 30 days since my last drink**. I had attempted a 30-day alcohol-free period in January of 2018 which ended up being, arguably, one of the most challenging years of my life. I made it 26 days miserable days and it all ended because Brucey , my beloved rescue dog, died while I was traveling to Miami for an event. This is when I discovered that Walgreen's sells wine (what?!).  I look back at my first alcohol-free attempt and I realize that I wasn't really set up for success. Hindsight and all that... Not only did I try to detox on January 1st, but I was also newly ramping up training for my big bike adventures AND I decided to try my hand at 30-days of Yoga with Adriene . All of these things independently are (and were) really good things. Healthy. Mindful. Etc. Etc. However, I went into that period of time looking at not drinking as punishment. This dry spell was needed more than ever. With COVID hitting a year ago (that's another post in i

Goodbye.

 “I don’t know if I should congratulate you or console you.” - Craig “How about both?” - Me This was a conversation in our kitchen earlier this week. After a year and a half of weekly therapy, I had my last session with my therapist Tuesday. Not because I was over it or because it wasn’t working or because he retired. Nope. Because we got to a place where we could both say I’ve got the tools I need to move on. I have to say that there is no timeline for therapy and every situation is unique. I moved on from intensive therapy with my therapist because that it was worked for ME. I am certainly no expert and I have a feeling this isn’t the end of my therapy forever, but I do know that my experience with the right person allowed me to heal in ways I literally never thought possible. And it gave me the experience of a healthy “goodbye”. I was never prepared for that, so when we set an end date (not-so-coincidentally my Nanna’s birthday), it was hard to process. No one talks about