I don't think divorce is talked about enough...not in a way that promotes healing and moving on at least. Sure, there are those endless "How To" lists, but let's get real: they aren't worth shit. Divorce is intensely personal and every situation is unique. My divorce is no different. I feel a need to let some of what I'm feeling out and, honestly, I'm a little scared to do it. I don't want to dwell and I don't want pity...I just want to put it out there.
As with everything else I've done in the last year, I'm just gonna go for it. If you're offended by my openness or need to express an opinion, I invite you to leave right now 'cause I have exactly ZERO time for that shit. So here we go...
4 years ago today was one of the best days of my life. It was the day I got married.
Today, as I write this, I'm sad. And I'm trying to give myself permission to be sad as I think back on where I was 4 years ago.
I was so determined not to let 11-4-2012 pass me by in a blur. I remember waking up on this day knowing I'd walk down the aisle to the man I would promise my life to and I was so hopeful. I remember taking the time to breathe, to look around the room at the people I loved who were gathered to celebrate my marriage and enjoy the little moments.
And I did.
I loved that day.
And I loved that man.
Today, those memories...those little, precious moments are still there. They're snippets in time that make me smile while simultaneously breaking my heart into a million pieces. Today, I'm embracing the beauty and the suck of those moments.
Divorce isn't pretty for anyone. I've learned it's much like a death in that I lost someone I loved and it's important to mourn that. One of the biggest and most difficult lessons I've learned is that it's important not to forget the good moments. I'm still learning to give myself permission to accept that there was so much good in my wedding day, my marriage and my relationship. While it didn't work out, I'm allowed to miss those things and him without wanting to run back.
I will move forward and I will move on, but for right now...I just want to be still. Today I will look back on every moment I took in on this beautiful fall day in 2012 with a bittersweet fondness. Today, I let the tears flow and give myself permission to just FEEL.