A Lovely Life

When you're estranged from not one, but basically both parents, the heaviness of that can still be palpable. Most days, most weeks, and months even, it's fine. I've learned to navigate questions like, "Where do your parents live?" or the weird feeling in my gut when someone says, "Oh, my mom sent me this from this favorite place of mine." I've learned how to adjust to Mother's and Father's Days by staying off of social media and doing something that makes me happy like getting out into nature. Some of these times are better than others. Here's the thing: whether or not the choice to go no contact with the two people who were supposed to show you all the basis of love was good or not, is incredibly difficult. Because social media is what it is, yesterday was apparently "International Daughters Day". It didn't bother me so much yesterday, but this morning wasn't off to a great start and for some reason, I felt agitated. I ...

Twenty years ago this month, I moved to Georgia and got a job at a local bike shop. My long-term boyfriend from my early twenties was an avid cyclist and bike mechanic. He had gotten a job wrenching at a local shop, Bicycles Unlimited. I was 19 and looking for a retail job since, at that point, it was all I knew. The shop was owned by a family and they were welcoming to this young girl working there with ZERO experience. I started on the sales floor and moved on to inventory management. It was my first foray into the inner workings of small businesses. More importantly, this was my introduction to the bicycle industry which has been one of the most meaningful relationships I've ever had.  I'd say 75% of the people I know in my life can be credited to a bicycle. Whether it be through rides, shops, or sponsors... I have met some of the most inspiring and influential people because of a BIKE. Some of the most fulfilling experiences I've had have been on a bike or because of bi...

  When you hear the word “boundary”, what do you think of? For so long, the word "boundary" meant "no" to me. No to bad relationships. No to things that didn't fulfill me. That was it.  I've seemingly always been able to set boundaries. I used to say it was easy. I've made the hard decision to go no contact with not one, but both parents (and one step-parent) in the last 20 years. I walked away from a marriage mid-trying-to-have-a-baby because I just knew I couldn't be tied to this person forever.  I've recently realized that even though I've been setting some hard boundaries since my early twenties, it's actually never come easy. I know what you're probably thinking, "Well, no. Setting boundaries isn't easy for anyone." And I get that. However, I'm one of those super-feeling types of people. Also known as a (diagnosed) generalized anxiety-ridden people pleaser who is both prickly as a pear but super loving stemming ...

Oh, hello.  Welcome back.  Or Welcome.  First, if you've been here before, hi, again. If you haven't and are wondering what this place is, this blog has been my little corner of the internet for about 10 years or so where I post things in my life. It's evolved, as I have over that time. Some posts are about nothing really, favorite quotes or songs. Some are about major life things. I went back to skim it a few days ago and it's been kind of fun. Memories of adventures, good books, new homes, past loves, etc., etc. This blog is my space. It's not meant to be a place that offers advice or in-depth topics on anything. It's about my lived experiences and my perspectives. I've always been a sharer. It makes me feel connected. This is my place to share my life. As per, it's been a long time since I've revisited this space. I've felt called back to it for a while now, but haven't known where to start. So, I'm just...starting. I plan to give this...

 “I don’t know if I should congratulate you or console you.” - Craig “How about both?” - Me This was a conversation in our kitchen earlier this week. After a year and a half of weekly therapy, I had my last session with my therapist Tuesday. Not because I was over it or because it wasn’t working or because he retired. Nope. Because we got to a place where we could both say I’ve got the tools I need to move on. I have to say that there is no timeline for therapy and every situation is unique. I moved on from intensive therapy with my therapist because that it was worked for ME. I am certainly no expert and I have a feeling this isn’t the end of my therapy forever, but I do know that my experience with the right person allowed me to heal in ways I literally never thought possible. And it gave me the experience of a healthy “goodbye”. I was never prepared for that, so when we set an end date (not-so-coincidentally my Nanna’s birthday), it was hard to process. No one talks ab...

A friend sent this video to me and when I watched it, I was struck more by the feelings it brought up around the content than the story itself.  Christen Reighter's story is an interesting and frustrating insight into what it means to NOT want a child. I invite you to watch this. Her experience is not unique and needs to be talked about. Even if you have kids. Or want them. What struck me most was what she says during her TedTalk: "I have believed having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition." Truth is, I've been struggling with this lately. Not the fact that I'm longing for children. I'd be fibbing if I said there is a very tiny part of me that wonders what this will feel like when I get to the end of life. HOWEVER. That feeling isn't strong enough for me to want to find out. I don't feel like having children should be thought of as a "keeping the fingers crossed" kind of situation. If you aren't sure you'l...

Hands down the best money we spent at the beginning of the pandemic as a New York Times Cooking subscription. When restaurants started to close and our financial situation took a bit of a hit due to COVID, eating out was clearly no longer an option. I've had a love for spending time in the kitchen since I can remember, but experimentation wasn't always my thing. C definitely brought out some adventure in me when it comes to cooking.  So, we've spent the majority of the last year reading the emails from NYT Cooking titled "What to Eat Tonight" and "What to Eat This Weekend" and we'd add things that sounded good to our virtual recipe box and plan accordingly. One of our unspoken guidelines is that the majority of what we made has to have as few ingredients and steps as possible. Something with over 22 steps better end with step 23 being "how to file for divorce"... I kid. We've loosened that rule a bit as we've added more staples to t...

I saw this meme about 6 months ago and just FELT it. panDAMNit is correct.  P.S. The memes in this hellscape have been GOLD I've realized this week that everyone's "one-year mark" of COVID-19 is different. For everyone, though, it's whatever day that shit got REAL.  Mine is March 13th.  A year ago today, our Chancellor sent the email saying, "Anyone who can work remotely should do so beginning Monday, March 16th through March 27th. Those deemed essential should work with their supervisors...".  A year to the day my DFA came out of her office, looked me in the eyes, and said, "You're essential. Can you be here Monday?".  I should say here that I work as an administrative assistant/building ops gal on the CU Anschutz Medical Campus where they took this thing VERY seriously from jump. The days leading up to March 13th were full of anxiety. My email inbox was being inundated with canceled classes and meetings and almost hourly updates from cam...

I have a little secret. Today marks 30 days since my last drink**. I had attempted a 30-day alcohol-free period in January of 2018 which ended up being, arguably, one of the most challenging years of my life. I made it 26 days miserable days and it all ended because Brucey , my beloved rescue dog, died while I was traveling to Miami for an event. This is when I discovered that Walgreen's sells wine (what?!).  I look back at my first alcohol-free attempt and I realize that I wasn't really set up for success. Hindsight and all that... Not only did I try to detox on January 1st, but I was also newly ramping up training for my big bike adventures AND I decided to try my hand at 30-days of Yoga with Adriene . All of these things independently are (and were) really good things. Healthy. Mindful. Etc. Etc. However, I went into that period of time looking at not drinking as punishment. This dry spell was needed more than ever. With COVID hitting a year ago (that's another post in i...

  I see inspirational, thought-provoking quotes daily. This one hit hard, though. If you were to ask me all the things I love, it would go a little something like this (in no particular order): Craig, Jerry, my friends all over the country, my extended family, mac and cheese, writing, bike riding....it would include a lot of things and a few people. None of which would be ME. It never would have crossed my mind.  So what does that say about what I think of myself? In a world where we stress self-care and self-love, shouldn't I be at the top of my own list? That doesn't mean I don't love myself, but it does make me wonder where I put myself on the list of all the things I love in the world. If someone were to ask you to name all the things you love, would you have put yourself first? 

Well. Here we are. 381 days later.  My last post was December 31, 2019, and had a rather hopeful tone. Then 2020 said "grab my beer" and the world slowly fell into shambles. You know. We ALL know. And, if for some miracle, you've been living under a rock just Google 2020. And that's enough about that for now. The last several months have been nothing short of a mind fuck, shit show. (BTW, as a refresher, this blog is not SFW or children) I've had to re-evaluate every aspect of my life, most importantly my mental health.  I've been searching for ways to re-center and find my way back to Helen. Baby steps. And this blog is one of them. I'd like to spend less time anger-scrolling on Facebook and more time putting my thoughts into words here. It's my little corner of the world that a small group of people can join in if they want. I have a lot of thoughts I want to share moving forward. But there's time for that. For now, I want to re-start this with a...

And just like that, another year has passed. This year isn't exactly what I thought it would be. I thought after a really hard 2018 that 2019 would be some magical reawakening and I'd find all the answers. LOL. NOPE. 2019's theme was consistency. For a girl whose entire life has been all about "surviving" and "making it through", consistency is an uncomfortable place. It took me a few months into the year to discover that when I felt bored or that when things felt flat, that it was actually just some sense of normalcy. Turns out, 2019's challenge was learning what peace feels like. I've gotta be honest with you dear, 3 readers of this blog: that shit is HARD and I've still got some learning to do, but at the end of the day and this year...it feels oh, so good. Here are some 2019 highlights: This year saw a consistent job that's given me more experience in a totally different field and world. While I don't think it's my ...

Today, I went to a new dentist and my hygienist and I struck up a conversation when I noticed her Ironman and Bike MS medals in the office. She's a pretty cool woman: a smoker for over 30 years who turned to triathlon and now competes all over the country. When she said she's doing Marine Corps Marathon later this month, my eyes lit up while my mouth was full of whatever torturous instrument was in it. I later told her how much I loved that race and that I went on to do this ride with Hank a couple of months ago. She was sweet, said kind words about the cool things I'm doing and asked, "What's next?". Initially, after my ride with Hank, I had no desire for a "what's next". I wanted time to think and process. I say that every time (as you endurance athletes understand), but every other time I've said it, I've had an idea of what the following year will bring. This year, I don't. And I feel so LOST. Leaving the cycling i...

I've been wanting to give Kebler its own post because it deserves it. And so do I, for that matter. Some of you may have heard me reference Kebler. Some of you KNOW what Kebler was like because you were there. Some of you have no idea what I'm talking about, so let me elaborate. Kebler Pass is a mountain pass outside of Crested Butte here in Colorado. It summits at 10,007 feet and passes through the Gunnison National Forest and is a mixture of paved road and gravel. It's known for one of the largest Aspen forests in the United States. It's part of my Big Bike Adventure course and has been scheduled on the third (of four) day of my ride. It's big and bold and stunning. It's also the place I've learned (twice now) how to dig deeper than I have considered impossible.  I went into my ride with Noah in 2018 woefully underprepared. I hadn't looked at an elevation map, or any map for that matter, before taking this on. I knew it was gravel and I...