Dismissal.

This Saturday I'll take on my 3rd half marathon. My 3rd ever and the 1st where I won't be pushing someone else. 

I'm not too pumped about this fact because I don't like doing things solo, but I'm doing it anyway and there's a very specific reason why:

I made the commitment to both Noah and his mom to lend this kid my body this year, so that's what I'm going to do. No backsies.

I am no athlete, though. It's another (sometimes annoying) thing that people seem to not believe when they look at my stature. Well, BELIEVE it. Happy to connect you with any of my former athletic coaches or team mates who can vouch for that fact.

Knowing this hasn't helped the mental part of this process. That's the biggest factor in all of this for me - the mental part. My coach reminds me that the fitness will come, and it is. It's not easy, but progress is being made. It's the mental toughness that I'm most worried about. 

Lately, there's been this dismissal by myself (and a couple other people I know) about what I'm doing because it isn't as hard or as fast as what other people in my network do. There is this comparison to Ironman athletes and athletic badasses that I cannot reasonably compare myself to, but it happens anyway. 

The, "Pfft...you're training to push a kid for 13 miles? AND?" or "165 on the bike is NOTHING...especially if you're breaking it up", comments and thoughts haven't helped. Talk about feeling dejected and dismissed as less.

It scares me to think about August with Noah. There's a 30 mile section of gravel with 3,000 feet of elevation gain and I think about that time we'll have together. Alone. At 10,000 feet (and climbing) with a kid who isn't able to verbally tell me to keep going. THAT is when the hard part comes. And I'm scared. Scared that I'll fail him and myself. Scared that I won't be tough enough mentally to push through it, suck it up and just move forward.

Annnd, just typing that makes me feel silly..."WHO CARES?!"

Well, I do and I have to remind myself that this isn't about what I can do in comparison to someone...anyone...else. It shouldn't be about comparison because I am my own person and my struggles in this process are unique to me. The biggest struggle being the mental hurdles I have to jump just to keep moving forward. Like not dismissing what this is for me and for Noah.

**If you're reading this and you're some incredibly awesome athlete that's got a fitness resume longer than my legs, do this: don't dismiss me in my journey (or anyone for that matter). Don't say things like "oh you should have run outside today" or "165 miles is nothing". Keep that shit to yourselves and remember that we all started at the beginning which is where I am now.

**NOTE TO SELF: re-read last paragraph.

I wish I could say that I'm going to stop dismissing this hard work and comparing myself to what I feel I should be, however, I'm not sure that's possible. My saving grace in all of this, though, is my absolute ability to be the most stubborn bitch imaginable. Happy to connect you with anyone I work with or have dated if you need vouching for that fact.