A Lovely Life

When you're estranged from not one, but basically both parents, the heaviness of that can still be palpable. Most days, most weeks, and months even, it's fine. I've learned to navigate questions like, "Where do your parents live?" or the weird feeling in my gut when someone says, "Oh, my mom sent me this from this favorite place of mine." I've learned how to adjust to Mother's and Father's Days by staying off of social media and doing something that makes me happy like getting out into nature. Some of these times are better than others. Here's the thing: whether or not the choice to go no contact with the two people who were supposed to show you all the basis of love was good or not, is incredibly difficult. Because social media is what it is, yesterday was apparently "International Daughters Day". It didn't bother me so much yesterday, but this morning wasn't off to a great start and for some reason, I felt agitated. I ...

  When you hear the word “boundary”, what do you think of? For so long, the word "boundary" meant "no" to me. No to bad relationships. No to things that didn't fulfill me. That was it.  I've seemingly always been able to set boundaries. I used to say it was easy. I've made the hard decision to go no contact with not one, but both parents (and one step-parent) in the last 20 years. I walked away from a marriage mid-trying-to-have-a-baby because I just knew I couldn't be tied to this person forever.  I've recently realized that even though I've been setting some hard boundaries since my early twenties, it's actually never come easy. I know what you're probably thinking, "Well, no. Setting boundaries isn't easy for anyone." And I get that. However, I'm one of those super-feeling types of people. Also known as a (diagnosed) generalized anxiety-ridden people pleaser who is both prickly as a pear but super loving stemming ...

A friend sent this video to me and when I watched it, I was struck more by the feelings it brought up around the content than the story itself.  Christen Reighter's story is an interesting and frustrating insight into what it means to NOT want a child. I invite you to watch this. Her experience is not unique and needs to be talked about. Even if you have kids. Or want them. What struck me most was what she says during her TedTalk: "I have believed having children was an extension of womanhood, not the definition." Truth is, I've been struggling with this lately. Not the fact that I'm longing for children. I'd be fibbing if I said there is a very tiny part of me that wonders what this will feel like when I get to the end of life. HOWEVER. That feeling isn't strong enough for me to want to find out. I don't feel like having children should be thought of as a "keeping the fingers crossed" kind of situation. If you aren't sure you'l...

This one is tough. This blog is such a wonderful outlet for me and so I want to talk about yesterday. Yesterday, my Brucey left this world. The last few days have been really tough...he took a turn pretty quickly at the end of last week and I was told Wednesday that there wasn't much time left for him. Because nothing ever happens with ideal "timing" this weekend was also one where I had committed to help a new organization do some logistical planning for the Miami Half...I had to leave him in the care of my wonderful vets, but I had to leave him. My biggest fear was that he wouldn't make it until I got home and that he would die as he lived much of his life...alone. Luckily, people are awesome and understood that I needed to come home early to take care of my boy. I landed in Denver at 9:30am and went straight to the vet. They brought him in to me and I told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him and how good he was. He was tired and sick and it was t...

The week leading up to Mother's Day gets worse and worse for me as Sunday approaches. The ads for flowers and cards, the super sweet social media posts I see about all the amazing, kickass mamas out there, the Pandora ads for jewelry as I write this very blog...they make for a tough week. Mother's Day is tough for people for all kinds of reasons. My reasons are kinda weird, but I'm me and that shouldn't surprise you. The first is that, honestly, I was hoping to be a mom by now. That was the plan anyway. Instead of a baby, I got a divorce! You may get that story one day, but for now you get to hear about one of 2 very toxic relationships in my life. Lucky you! The big reason Mother's Day is so tough for me is because I'm one of those people who....wait for it....doesn't have a relationship with my mom. GASP!   The no-relationship-with-the-woman-who-gave-me-life fact makes people REALLY uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and opinionated. Being honest and shar...

There is no special occasion...his birthday is in July (a fact that has made this Christmas baby VERY jealous for the last 28 years)...it's not a holiday. Nope. This is a response/shout out to the guy who has been posting all of these incredibly lovely things about me on social media. They not only make me blush and a little embarrassed, but they've kept me going. Thomas is my not-so-little brother. I say that because although he's about 4.5 years younger than I, he stands 7 feet tall and is one of very few people in this world who make me feel small - on so many levels. He calls me his not-so-big-sister and I love it. It's our thing. Lots of things are "our thing"...I guess that's what happens when you share half your DNA with another person. From the moment he was born that kid knew how to capture a room. Full of life and spunk (often to our detriment)...can't tell you the amount of shit that kid destroyed as a toddler. He knew no strangers and m...

Food brings people together.  Think about it. Whether it be holidays, weddings, Sunday meals, funerals or reunions food most often than not is the focus of those events.  First thing I do when someone has had a baby or fallen ill: bring food (or wine depending on the occasion).  It's a common necessity that allows us to connect with another.   My family is big on food and while I wasn't always able to have big meals with my extended family, I still appreciate the traditions they've made.   We each have a favorite recipe that reminds us of "home" and I love sharing those recipes and experiences with others.  I've recently been trying to make at least one weekend meal more interesting than our typical nightly dinners.  I've been using hand-me-down recipes from friends and family and branching out by trying recipes that are completely different.  It's been fun to experiment with new foods and techniques!  There's nothing better than "slaving...

Atlanta got hit with another massive winter storm on late Tuesday night.  Luckily, we didn't have a situation like last time .  The city was prepared for what they were saying was going to be a "catastrophic" Winter event.  WHAT?!  More catastrophic than the million cars jamming the roadways just 2 weeks prior?  What "they" were worried about were downed trees and power outages due to heavy ice.  While many people lost power over those couple of days, I think it could have been WAY worse!   Knowing all of this we, like most people, were prepared to be indoors for a couple of days.  We did our grocery shopping on Sunday as we usually do and I grabbed some wine extras for "just in case" on Monday.   We woke up on Wednesday morning to a mix of freezing rain and snow that lasted all day.  Frank really loved the weird stuff on the ground and got extra excited when we started getting ready to go outside. What was so weird about...

I feel like people either LOVE Valentine's Day or they HATE it.  I'm the former.  I love all the pink and red and hearts and candy.  I love that there's a holiday to celebrate one of life's most amazing emotions: L-O-V-E!  And I'm not just saying that because I'm married. In fact, one of my favorite memories was when I was single.  My bestie, E, and I made Valentine's cookies and home made cards and "anonymously" delivered them to our friends and family around town.  It was a fun way to show everyone that we were thinking about them. J and I have started a tradition of just doing cards and a yummy dinner in to celebrate.  We like the quiet of it and that we can focus on each other.  It's nice to be casual and just spend time with my sweetheart.   Even though we don't do gifts, I came up with a great idea that I'm pretty excited about!  I'll post about it later, but I'm pretty excited to see his reaction.  I've been w...

My first reaction is to say (and I may or may not have actually said it), "Suck it 2013!".  However, that's super negative of me and while this year was full of challenges, it was also full of some great adventures, laughs and lots of lessons learned! January brought me to California for work where I earned my Body Geometry bicycle fitting certification.  I stepped WAY outside of my comfort zone by taking a class about body bio mechanics, handling bikes in a way I never have before and hanging out in a class that was 99.9% guys except for me.  I learned a lot and felt empowered! While I still have a long way to go, I really enjoy it.   **side note:  if you're interested in a fit for your bike...let me know!** We bought our first home in February.  It was a stressful/exciting/scary adventure for us knowing that we were here to stay and it is ours!  I loved being able to share in the experience with J because owning a home had been a huge goal o...

I am not one of those people who dread turning another year older.  In fact, I kinda love it.  I feel that every year that I get older is another year past where I earned another little stripe on this badge of life.  I like getting older.  I like being able to say, "When I was 21...."  I like the realization that I know more now as an adult than I did 10 years ago when, incidentally, I was ALSO an adult. On December 21st, I turned 30 and I got to do so surrounded by some of my favorite people in California!  J took me on a surprise whirlwind trip to California so that I could spend my big day with my cousins.  He's a good man, that one!   Our quick trip involved champagne by the Golden Gate Appetizers and cocktails at Water Bar with a view of the Oakland Bridge Dinner to celebrate J's birthday (the day before mine) at the Brixton in San Francisco Each thing we did was a surprise...when we got up on Saturday, we left to pick u...