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Brucey

This one is tough.

 This blog is such a wonderful outlet for me and so I want to talk about yesterday.

Yesterday, my Brucey left this world.

 The last few days have been really tough...he took a turn pretty quickly at the end of last week and I was told Wednesday that there wasn't much time left for him. Because nothing ever happens with ideal "timing" this weekend was also one where I had committed to help a new organization do some logistical planning for the Miami Half...I had to leave him in the care of my wonderful vets, but I had to leave him.

 My biggest fear was that he wouldn't make it until I got home and that he would die as he lived much of his life...alone.

 Luckily, people are awesome and understood that I needed to come home early to take care of my boy. I landed in Denver at 9:30am and went straight to the vet. They brought him in to me and I told him how sorry I was and how much I loved him and how good he was. He was tired and sick and it was time. 

 The vet was so sweet in explaining everything to me and it was quick and painless. His head lay in my lap and when he went under sedation he did what he always did when he was in a deep sleep....he snored. It was heartbreaking. He wasn't a noisy dog. He never barked or whined or growled, but he did snore. Some of my favorite moments of him are my napping on weekends on the couch and hearing his sweet snores from his bed. It couldn't have been more perfect...hearing his sweet snores as he peacefully left me.

 I've talked a lot about the last couple years of transition in my life and often feeling so alone. The one constant in all of this has been Brucey. If there weren't people, there was ALWAYS him. His super soft head, giving me Brucey hugs when I felt like the loneliest girl around. And now he's gone.

 He came into my life right after my divorce and he was with me through 2 of the biggest transitional years of my life. Up, down and everything in between. 

 So many of the sweet messages I've gotten about Brucey are how I saved him and how lucky HE was. The truth of the matter is that anyone could have given him a good life. I'm the one who got lucky...he saved me. Truly. There is no way I could have made it through the last couple of years without having him around.

 It isn't lost on me that I finally feel settled after 2 years and that is when he needed to go. Because I think he knew I'd be OK...finally.

 Oh, but it doesn't feel like that right now. It hurts so much. Sometimes it feels so silly to be so heartbroken over such a being, but the texts and calls and messages I've gotten have shown me otherwise.

 I'm in my quiet and empty apartment. Staring at his beds and wondering how in the world I got so lucky. Overthinking every step I made with him the last few weeks...wondering if I should have done things differently. Struggling with wanting to run out and find a new companion to avoid feeling so alone, but knowing that there is no way there will ever be another Bruce.

 Oh, my sweet boy. My freckled faced panda. My humpy shelter dog who loved me with everything you had. 2 years was not enough and I so wish that I could have given you a lifetime of pets and kisses and love. 2 years will have to do, though, because you were mine for a reason. Missing you doesn't begin to describe this hole in my heart...

 Sleep well, my Brucey.


"Before you get a dog, you can't quite imagine what living with one might be like; afterward, you can't imagine living any other way." - Caroline Knapp

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